I don't really want to go on and on about the nutritional benefits of breastfeeding (plus, it's free - for the kuripot in me).
My parents regularly ask me why I keep on breastfeeding, why I don't just feed her formula because it's convenient and so that my boobs don't sag (yes, the last one came from my mom; very concerned about my boobs), how long was I going to keep this up.
Well. My mom only breastfed me for around 2 weeks or less. So..I've been breastfeeding for 2 months. Achieve na achieve nako. Of course I've thought about formula feeding! It'll mean no more being sought out at random times and in random public places to nurse. It also means no more loose or button-down blouses, and I can actually wear something nice without having to worry about how in the world will I find access to my boobs for feeding or pumping. No more scouring for feeding or pumping areas everytime we go somewhere new. I wouldn't have to be constricted to a certain radius from the nearest lactation or nursing room. I wouldn't have to carry around a huge pumping bag filled with pumping paraphernalia, looking incredibly unfashionable.
In fact, if I don't want to give up giving her breastmilk, why don't I just opt to pump exclusively and feed her from the bottle everytime?
But the moment Maddy latches on during direct feed, all the abovementioned fade into unmentionables. No nipple confusion for this little lady - she clearly prefers mommy's breast over a bottle anytime. The feeling of closeness, our bonding time at the breast, is really precious.
There are a few articles I've read online that really resonate with me, and I'd like to quote them as follows:
"But here’s where it gets interesting: As much as you need and want a break now (and you should take one, more on that later), no mother has ever looked back on this time and thought, “I wish I had held my baby less.” You will not remember the dishes that didn’t get done, the vacuuming that you just couldn’t make happen, or the dirty clothes you wore more often than you’d like to admit. You will remember the first smile, the first belly laugh, the first words, the first steps. You will remember the way you looked at your baby, and the way your baby looked at you.
So the next time you find yourself wondering how another day is gone and nothing is done, stop. Hold your baby—feel the way that tiny body strains to contain this giant soul—complete, and full of potential all at the same time. Take a deep, slow breath. Close your eyes and measure your day not as tasks, but as feelings, as sounds, as colors. Exhaustion is part of it. And it’s true, you will get “nothing” done. But the hard parts will fade. The intense, burning love is what remains, and it is yours to keep forever.
"Mommy means I just put the baby back down after her 4 a.m. feeding when a 3-year-old has a nightmare. Mommy means I am surviving on coffee and toddler leftovers. Mommy means my husband and I haven't had a real conversation in weeks. Mommy means I put their needs before my own, without a thought. Mommy means that my body is full of aches and my heart is full of love.
I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me. My babies will all be long gone and consumed with their own lives. I may sit alone in some assisted living facility watching my body fade away. No one will need me then. I may even be a burden. Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home. My kisses no longer their cure. There will be no more tiny boots to wipe the slush from or seat belts to be buckled. I will have read my last bedtime story, seven times in a row. I will no longer enforce time-outs. There will be no more bags to pack and unpack or snack cups to fill. I am sure my heart will yearn to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, "Mommy, somebody needs you!"
It's 4am and I am exhausted and frustrated, but it's OK, she needs me. Just me. And maybe, I need her too. Because she makes me Mommy. Someday she will sleep through the night. Someday I will sit in my wheelchair, my arms empty, dreaming of those quiet nights in the nursery. When she needed me and we were the only two people in the world."
So every time someone tells me to stop holding her so often or I shouldn't let her fall asleep on my chest, in case she gets used to it, I always think about how I'll only have a few months left to enjoy these. Before she gets too heavy to be held. Before she gets too big to fall asleep on my chest. Before she starts sleeping through the night without requiring frequent nursing. Before she gets too old to breastfeed. Before I opt to wean her from my milk and cease pumping altogether.
Breastfeeding is Mommy and Maddy time, that no one else can duplicate. Not even the yaya who is tasked with feeding her the bottle. So what if "masanay sya sa karga"? I'll worry about that when we get there. Right now, I've more important things to worry about. Like will my baby still recognize me after a full day of being at work. Will my baby still want to feed at mommy's breast or she might enjoy the bottle more. Will my baby miss me or she probably won't even notice I'm gone for the day.
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